and the race begins...

Hello Everyone!

It has been a little while since I have updated but things have been so hectic around here lately! Well kyle and I are adjusting quite comfortably to our new home but we encountered a problem recently that is no bueno. Our hot water heater is leaking and completely ruined our wood floors and warped three of our walls. So tomorrow we have a new water heater being put in, and an adjuster coming out for homeowners insurance to do an apprasel of the house and see what needs to be done. I am hoping this process is started imeediately because my brdial showe is next weekend and even though it is not at our house there will be people in and out all day to help prepare food and get ready. In all honsty as long as the problem is fixed and no mold will develop I am just happy for it to be done. Well as you see at the top of the post there are two of my absolue favortie shots from our incrediable engagement shoot. That day in its entirety went beautiful and the pictures are the proof. I will admit there are some that I am a bit disturbed by looking at but then I remember that my body is a process and even though I may not be where I wanted to in those photos or even at the wedding, I am slowly making strides to get there and I will be able to be healthy when Kyle and I decide to start our family. In other news my grandmother recieved word last week that was a bit tolling. After having a test done on the lump removed in her lumpectomy, we were distrubed to know that a high level of cancerous cells was found and my grandma was advised that she should attend chemotherapy. My  grandmothers biggest fear was that she was going to loose her hair and hearing that she would 100% made me upset because I could see in her eyes she was worried. Through this process I have seen so much support from friends but it is hard to relate because no on truly knows how much my grandma means to me. She is always the rock and the one to knock sense into me when I let my emotions get the best of me and to see her break after how strong she has been through everything was rough. It took a toll on me and I will admit I put everything on hold for two days just to spend time in bed because I was drained. However, after falling asleep one night my great grandmother came to me in my dreams and told me how proud she was of what I was doing and to always remember that I am a produc t of her and I am stronger than I know and to just be there for my Mimi. Of courser I naturally woke up upset because my great grandmothers are both subjects in which I still ache and cry when thinking about them being gone.Then after i shed my tears I smiled in knowing that I do indeed have an angel watching over me and my family. I know that when I am sick or hurt I go  to my Mimi for comfort so now it is my time to keep the promise I made to her when I was eight years old. That when the time came and she was older I would be there to care for her, to make her soup when she felt bad or hold her hand when she was scared like she has done for me my entire life. My grandmother is the most beautiful woman I know and even though this process will be difficult she has a new beauty about her that no one can deny and chemo or not; she will always be the beautiful woman I love and admire. My journey has been a bit complicated here lately but I am slowly learning how to cope with everything better. Wi th our wedding in a little over a month and time flying by there is of course stress but all in all I am more excited than ever to just be able to be married to the man I love. While my biggest concern is how I am going to look or not fitting into my dress I know, that I am truly overthinking things and I know that I will look beautiful that day. I was told by Kyle that I could walk down the aisle in sweatpants and sneakers with my hair a mess and still be as beautiful as ever. So in the next week even though there is a lot going on (oh and I started classes again after a 10 week break) I will be sure to update you all on this crazy journey I called life and the arrival of my wedding day.

Until next time my friends :)

and from my lips he drew a Hallelujah

Hello Friends,

Well, last night seemed to be a very trying and emotional night for me. In these past two weeks I have been building up a barrier in order to be strong for my grandmother. She has always been my rock and I have yet to shed a tear in front of her because I didn't want to upset her and I needed to be strong for her like she has always been for me.Last night after getting home from working all day, poor Kyle came home to a babbling mess. My emotions ran wild with coping with the relief of Mimi being okay and our upcoming engagement shoot tomorrow. So what is the issue you ask? I am so worried about paying all this money for pictures and not liking them or other people making rude comments about them. I know they will be beautiful but with this wedding my insecurities have been taking lead. So while I cried Kyle (god bless him) held me and told me to just let it out and once I finished crying he told me that he loves me just the way I am and no matter what anyone says, the ones that love me most are the ones that matter and that anyone who knows me knows I am beautiful inside and out. I cant tell you how lucky I am to have such an incredible man by my side in times when I loose my mind. So after being restless this morning I woke up to a cold gray morning and as heading to my grandmothers I heard the infamous words. As driving I heard a song that has always seen to get me thorough. Hallelujah by Kate Voegele. Just then as the words streamed over my radio and the gray cold sky cleared to a cool blue and the sun began to shine through. All I could do was just smile. In those moments where that song played a calm came over me and I finally felt like everything was going to be fine. I am struggling with so much these past few months from dealing with moving, my grandmothers diagnoses and surgery, weight and the fact that my great grandmothers are not around to be able to see me on my wedding day. I cant say that the struggles will go away because it wouldn't be life, but I can say that I know with time each struggle I face I will learn to deal with better and they will get easier.


Below I have put the link to the video for Hallelujah, and other songs that have seen to get me through my days.By posting them I am hoping that maybe they can do the same for someone else.

http://youtu.be/k29JxVCKBBM
--Kate Voegele; Hallelujah

http://youtu.be/BzE1mX4Px0I
--Selena Gomez: Who Says

http://youtu.be/ul-pLYo5MJ8
-- Glee; We are young

http://youtu.be/QOpuK5hYPAY
-- Matthew Morrison; Fix You

http://youtu.be/EeTPi2a2Ld4
-- Chris Brown and Big Sean; My last

http://youtu.be/-G_j3JqML5M
-- Martina McBride- A little bit stronger

until next time friends :)

& the race begins

 

Hello everyone,

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion due to one of my closest loved ones being diagnosed with one of the scariest words anyone can hear, cancer. My grandmother or my "Mimi" found a lump on her breast a few short weeks ago and thanks to a routine mammogram, she was able to detect everything early and yesterday, her lump was removed and she just has to follow with mild radiation and all is well. On the other hand as it stands, Christmas day Kyle and I have 60 days until we say I do and the pressure is truly starting to take its toll. It seems like no matter what we there is just not enough time or managed right to get on track. For those of you who don't know we recently moved into a new home and why the payments aren't the issue, with a newer and bigger home comes more of an upkeep (not that I am complaining because I LOVE our house) which is a change for us.  It just seems like there is so much to be done and not enough time to do even though we planned well in advanced but from what I am told from friends who have been married recently, that is normal. With everything going on lately, I feel as though I have been trying to upkeep my  body but nothing is working for me because stress has the opposite affect on me. While others tend to stress eat I tend to not eat and the toll it takes makes me disgusted more and more with my looks. At this point my biggest fear is that come our wedding day, I wont feel beautiful and I wont be the image that Kyle wants to see when I walk down the aisle. Silly to some yes (especially Kyle) but it is an insecurity I have been battling with since I said yes. My body flip flops and I go from being right on track and loosing to in two days gaining back. I have been tested for everything under the book and everything always comes back negative and all my vitals are normal.So the question is always in my mind, do genes really prevent me from being happy with my appearance. I constantly hear, your such a beautiful girl, I just wish for once I could believe it when I hear it. Poor Kyle has assured me that he loves everything about me and every inch of my body but this insecurity battle has been one I have struggled with since a young age and even though it has got better, there are days when I still find myself avoiding mirrors just so I don't have to face my reflection.  I will continue to fight however, and hope that in these next 2 in a half months I can be a little more comfortable in my own skin and prepare my body to get in the shape needed to be able to carry a child when the time comes. While battling my weight is one long worry and struggle the other is coping with the fact of being married. I am not scared of the commitment, saying I do or the day, I am just purely still in shock that someone loves me and I am going to spend the rest of my life with a man who has seen me through so much and truly made me whole. I wake up everyday and ask myself how I got so lucky. I am sure as the time draws closer I will become more and more anxious as well as nervous but I can say I am completely looking forward to spending the rest of my life with a man who has been my rock through it all and to continue to have the support of those around me as I make changes to cope with every day life.  Until next time friends.