These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion due to one of my closest loved ones being diagnosed with one of the scariest words anyone can hear, cancer. My grandmother or my "Mimi" found a lump on her breast a few short weeks ago and thanks to a routine mammogram, she was able to detect everything early and yesterday, her lump was removed and she just has to follow with mild radiation and all is well. On the other hand as it stands, Christmas day Kyle and I have 60 days until we say I do and the pressure is truly starting to take its toll. It seems like no matter what we there is just not enough time or managed right to get on track. For those of you who don't know we recently moved into a new home and why the payments aren't the issue, with a newer and bigger home comes more of an upkeep (not that I am complaining because I LOVE our house) which is a change for us. It just seems like there is so much to be done and not enough time to do even though we planned well in advanced but from what I am told from friends who have been married recently, that is normal. With everything going on lately, I feel as though I have been trying to upkeep my body but nothing is working for me because stress has the opposite affect on me. While others tend to stress eat I tend to not eat and the toll it takes makes me disgusted more and more with my looks. At this point my biggest fear is that come our wedding day, I wont feel beautiful and I wont be the image that Kyle wants to see when I walk down the aisle. Silly to some yes (especially Kyle) but it is an insecurity I have been battling with since I said yes. My body flip flops and I go from being right on track and loosing to in two days gaining back. I have been tested for everything under the book and everything always comes back negative and all my vitals are normal.So the question is always in my mind, do genes really prevent me from being happy with my appearance. I constantly hear, your such a beautiful girl, I just wish for once I could believe it when I hear it. Poor Kyle has assured me that he loves everything about me and every inch of my body but this insecurity battle has been one I have struggled with since a young age and even though it has got better, there are days when I still find myself avoiding mirrors just so I don't have to face my reflection. I will continue to fight however, and hope that in these next 2 in a half months I can be a little more comfortable in my own skin and prepare my body to get in the shape needed to be able to carry a child when the time comes. While battling my weight is one long worry and struggle the other is coping with the fact of being married. I am not scared of the commitment, saying I do or the day, I am just purely still in shock that someone loves me and I am going to spend the rest of my life with a man who has seen me through so much and truly made me whole. I wake up everyday and ask myself how I got so lucky. I am sure as the time draws closer I will become more and more anxious as well as nervous but I can say I am completely looking forward to spending the rest of my life with a man who has been my rock through it all and to continue to have the support of those around me as I make changes to cope with every day life. Until next time friends.
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