So many changes in what seems like a short time...

 
Hello all! It has been quite some time since I last posted. Its hard to believe how much has changed and what continues to change since my last post. First off Happy 2014 to everyone. I hope that the holidays and the New Year brought lots of new beginnings, happiness, love and joy to everyone. Well I can say that my Journey since my last post has been a crazy one to say the least. Lets see, when I last posted I just fresh off of being married (it will be two years next month), Still pursuing my degree at Kaplan, and in the process of trying to prep to become a mom. So what has changed since then? SO MUCH! 

I can say that I am a very proud Alumni of Kaplan University and on Feb. 2, 2013 with my husband, grandparents and family in tow I walked across the stage and received my degree in Human Services and graduated with a 4.0 GPA and Summa Cum Laude. It was a very proud moment for me indeed but with graduation also came a very harsh reality of finding a job in my field. While I thought going to school online was giving me the upper hand, finding a job in my field has proven to be a tiring task. I have applied to countless agencies but always hear the same response, "Academically we would be honored to have you, we just need you to have a little more experience." I cant tell you how bad it gets to me but I did receive a break. I got offered an opportunity to work at a fabulous agency when we move (yes we are buying our first home but that's going to be talked about in another paragraph) and even though I would love to do it now the commute would kill us. So now I wait. Or do I? It was up for a lot of debate but Kyle and I discussed it and I have decided to go back to get my Master's Degree from none other than Florida State University. It will be a long and trying journey but I feel as though having the experience given with a graduate education, attending my dream school, and just having my Master's is an accomplishment  that is beyond my wildest expectations for myself. I have to still sign up for my GRE exam but I deferred my acceptance with a scholarship and that exam is all that stands in my way, so needless to say the studying begins. 

The next big change you ask, is my career. Well I guess you can say its more of a hobby that I turned into a business venture. That's right, I started my very own photography business! I decided that it was time to stop talking about doing it and finally do it, so I did. I took a lot of time and after a lot of thought I decided to use my name to honor two people that I lost and I feel with me everyday, and also pay homage to a man that had a name a long time ago but never got to use it for what he wanted, so he passed it on. NellaKay Photography pays respect to my two great grandmothers who passed away and to my grandfather who at one point and time, wanted to name his boat that. After his pike dream was shot down due to financial hardships, I instead took the name and gave it to something that I knew I could put my all in and one day make an impact with. So far I have very few clients but with every snap of a picture my name is shared and I have more and more people interested. This will come in handy I suppose for our next and most trying venture.. our future.

Kyle and I have given a lot of thought about where we wanted to raise a family, when we wanted to start one and so on an so fourth. We are completely ready for everything, from the names to the nursery we are ready. What we didn't plan on was my health making an impact. In April of last year I had something telling me that I needed to take the time to go and see a ObGyn. Don't ask what was pulling me to do it, but some unknown force was pushing me and I was listening in every which way. Well, In April I went for a routine Pap Smear thinking nothing of what came next. I was called a week after my appointment and told that I needed to come back in and having some testing done. While at the time I had no idea what this meant, I just knew I wasn't wasting time and the next day I was in the office for testing. It was through a series of Biopsy's, freezing, DNC's, and a few other tests that I was revealed words that shook me to the core. CANCER. Yes, I was diagnosed with Stage 0 Cervical Cancer. To most reading hearing stage 0 seems so good, and in retrospect it is, but it was the 6 letters that in my head, with my family history seemed like a death sentence. So here I am coming off of my last appointment where I was told everything was clear and the 6 month annuals are to be scheduled and I will go about my way. So casually, like the words had never been spoken and my whole world wasn't turned upside down. To some I was being over dramatic, but in my eyes, I saw all the woman I loved who I watched withering away and die, flash before my eyes. Was this going to me? Was I going to be able to hold on and be as strong as them? Was this going to define me? What would happen to my marriage? Would my husband still love me? Would we still be intimate? Would I have to deal with a doctor one day telling him there was no coming back and he was going to loose me? and most importantly, Would we be able to have children?  To those reading this, you always hear stories and think, stop being so negative, you will be fine people overcome this all the time. I can say I was one of those people, but please until you go through it, don't be so quick to make that judgement. Its so much harder that you can imagine. Even though bad news seemed to come and then good news of being clear and getting clearance to have children, I still worry. So now the journey to become a mother begins.

Kyle and I want to start trying by this summer however, this will be no easy feat. We still have to find a home and have our offer accepted (we have three currently submitted), and I have to overcome the obstacle that has stood in my way for so many years, my weight. I can say I have made changes but, its not easy. With the beginning of this year so much changed. I lost people in my life who I thought would always be there, I let people go just clearly to have my sanity and I learned that Its time to start being a bit heartless when it comes to my friendships because, I was sick of getting hurt. Maybe its my own insecurities or me being stubborn but it seems like the constant back stabbing or lying or being fake just doesn't cut it anymore. Does it hurt, absolutely, but I cant keep fighting for people who cause me pain, anger or just all around UN-pleasantries in my life. Does it hurt and do I miss them absolutely, but when you hit a certain age, you realize that sometimes its better to let go. That and getting facebook messages from people revealing your secrets you confided in so called friends or hearing them bash you, kinda hurts and pisses you off, A LOT! 

So this year begins, with a new attitude, perspective and many new journey's about to begin. Will they all work out, one can only hope. I will however keep positive and push myself because my happiness is what matters and its time I start putting that first. Until next time bloggers.....

letting go of those that bring you down

These past few weeks have been very difficult for both Kyle and I and Monday night proved to be a feat that we both needed to happen to see just who was in our life only  to bring us down. Its sad when you are friends with someone for so long only to find out that they do nothing but bad mouth everything you have. There is a point and time where you have to look around and evaluate if the person who you constantly find yourself stressed over is worth the stress anymore. Kyle and I shared a mutual friend who actually introduces us and on Monday found out that she was doing nothing but running around to people speaking nothing but ill words about our marriage and life together. While I can say I was pretty patient and managed to hold my tongue, I finally reached a breaking point. I am going to be 25 this September and I found myself stooping to level of a young girl who is a careless mother and nothing more. I may not have everything and my marriage is far from perfect, but whose it? Everyone has obstacles to overcome, hurdles they have to jump and decisions that will cause arguments because you have different views. Its called life, if everyone was perfect it would be pretty boring. In the end Kyle and I have made the decision final that come the end of this year when we look for our home we are going to be moving North. Far enough away from everyone and broward county, but close enough to be near my family and grandparents if anything every happens. A week ago this past Sunday my grandfather had a mild heart attack and seeing the man who is always the strongest and most willful going through what he did, we woke up and realized just what it is we want. We want people who are going to support us, not judge us. Individuals who will never speak ill of either one of us, and most importantly friends who will never bring us down  to the point that they are willing to ruin our family and marriage. While I could rant on about this certain individual due to frustration, I know that what she has done will catch up with her and all I can do is pray for her and especially her child. There is a bigger picture in life and to be so spiteful as to ruin two people's life, marriage, and family because all they ever did was look after you and help is inexcusable and definitely unforgivable. I refuse to let the bastards grind me down!

So what is our next step? Well as of Jan 22 I am officially done with my undergrad and we will be creating a life in a home with lots of land and space to take care of the two most important people in my life, my, well our grandparents. While I cant jump for joy just yet (we still have to see what we qualify for and start our search), Kyle and I couldn't be more excited to finally begin the life we have planned since we first started dating. Our lives are slowly getting on the path we always planned it to be and as long as we keep each other centered and stay patient, our new beginning is just around the corner.

Time is love, and I couldn't be happier to be giving all my time to the one man who has always given nothing but that to me. No one will EVER bring us down and all we can do is walk hand in hand into what is always sure to be a very bright future.

Until next time friends,

Amber

perfection.. or damn near close

So it has been a while since I last updated but a lot has been going on. I can report the wedding is over with and we have officially been Mr. & Mrs. Zeman for a month on Sunday. My grandmother finished what we are hoping to be her last round of chemo last week, and Kyle and I have made a huge decision that come the end of this year we are looking to buy our first home. After discussing with family and going over the qualifications we are ready to own a home. No more renting! Even though I absolutely love my home now, we want a yard that is big enough for the dog, a place to store our bikes, and I want to be able to paint the walls whatever color I want and when the time comes create my dream nursery. While some may think its a little premature to be thinking about such a big step we have planned our life together and we want a place to be ours. This is a big step and we both know a lot comes along with owning a home but we are ready to finally settle into an establishment that is truly known as Casa De Zeman with no landlords, no nosy neighbors, no association, no yard to design and no bland color walls. We are excited for this journey and with graduation in January for me we are looking forward to creating a life that we have been planning for since before we said "I DO".  Life is a journey and I couldn't be more excited to see what our journey together has in store for us and our family <3. I can say that marriage is a blessing and I couldn't imagine not being able to spend the rest of my life with this man. So many people have had so many negative things to say about our unity and honestly we have seen that through being married just how true friends are. So many people treat us like we are plagued are something all because we are married. I mean yes, with marriage comes a family but I am not popping out babies anytime soon so why is it such an issue? No, I do not party and go crazy but honestly I grew out of that stage three months after I turned 21 when the same things got boring. Being drunk out of my mind every night or going to a club to have a man drenched in sweat look at me like a piece of meat it just not something I find appealing anymore. I do love to dance and every once in a while I do want to get dressed up and do just that but when friends around me just want to pound drinks and forget their name, then its no fun anymore. I can say now I am in preparation for mommy mode. I have been working out and trying to get my body healthy and where I want to be before we decide to try and have kids. We have planned that by the end of next year or beginning of the following we will start trying but if it should happen then so be it.  A child is a blessing and we are married so no one can say anything is wrong about it! Life has some big plans for me and Kyle and we are both ready to take the reigns and see what our sure to be bright future has in store. Until next time friends...

and the race begins...

Hello Everyone!

It has been a little while since I have updated but things have been so hectic around here lately! Well kyle and I are adjusting quite comfortably to our new home but we encountered a problem recently that is no bueno. Our hot water heater is leaking and completely ruined our wood floors and warped three of our walls. So tomorrow we have a new water heater being put in, and an adjuster coming out for homeowners insurance to do an apprasel of the house and see what needs to be done. I am hoping this process is started imeediately because my brdial showe is next weekend and even though it is not at our house there will be people in and out all day to help prepare food and get ready. In all honsty as long as the problem is fixed and no mold will develop I am just happy for it to be done. Well as you see at the top of the post there are two of my absolue favortie shots from our incrediable engagement shoot. That day in its entirety went beautiful and the pictures are the proof. I will admit there are some that I am a bit disturbed by looking at but then I remember that my body is a process and even though I may not be where I wanted to in those photos or even at the wedding, I am slowly making strides to get there and I will be able to be healthy when Kyle and I decide to start our family. In other news my grandmother recieved word last week that was a bit tolling. After having a test done on the lump removed in her lumpectomy, we were distrubed to know that a high level of cancerous cells was found and my grandma was advised that she should attend chemotherapy. My  grandmothers biggest fear was that she was going to loose her hair and hearing that she would 100% made me upset because I could see in her eyes she was worried. Through this process I have seen so much support from friends but it is hard to relate because no on truly knows how much my grandma means to me. She is always the rock and the one to knock sense into me when I let my emotions get the best of me and to see her break after how strong she has been through everything was rough. It took a toll on me and I will admit I put everything on hold for two days just to spend time in bed because I was drained. However, after falling asleep one night my great grandmother came to me in my dreams and told me how proud she was of what I was doing and to always remember that I am a produc t of her and I am stronger than I know and to just be there for my Mimi. Of courser I naturally woke up upset because my great grandmothers are both subjects in which I still ache and cry when thinking about them being gone.Then after i shed my tears I smiled in knowing that I do indeed have an angel watching over me and my family. I know that when I am sick or hurt I go  to my Mimi for comfort so now it is my time to keep the promise I made to her when I was eight years old. That when the time came and she was older I would be there to care for her, to make her soup when she felt bad or hold her hand when she was scared like she has done for me my entire life. My grandmother is the most beautiful woman I know and even though this process will be difficult she has a new beauty about her that no one can deny and chemo or not; she will always be the beautiful woman I love and admire. My journey has been a bit complicated here lately but I am slowly learning how to cope with everything better. Wi th our wedding in a little over a month and time flying by there is of course stress but all in all I am more excited than ever to just be able to be married to the man I love. While my biggest concern is how I am going to look or not fitting into my dress I know, that I am truly overthinking things and I know that I will look beautiful that day. I was told by Kyle that I could walk down the aisle in sweatpants and sneakers with my hair a mess and still be as beautiful as ever. So in the next week even though there is a lot going on (oh and I started classes again after a 10 week break) I will be sure to update you all on this crazy journey I called life and the arrival of my wedding day.

Until next time my friends :)

and from my lips he drew a Hallelujah

Hello Friends,

Well, last night seemed to be a very trying and emotional night for me. In these past two weeks I have been building up a barrier in order to be strong for my grandmother. She has always been my rock and I have yet to shed a tear in front of her because I didn't want to upset her and I needed to be strong for her like she has always been for me.Last night after getting home from working all day, poor Kyle came home to a babbling mess. My emotions ran wild with coping with the relief of Mimi being okay and our upcoming engagement shoot tomorrow. So what is the issue you ask? I am so worried about paying all this money for pictures and not liking them or other people making rude comments about them. I know they will be beautiful but with this wedding my insecurities have been taking lead. So while I cried Kyle (god bless him) held me and told me to just let it out and once I finished crying he told me that he loves me just the way I am and no matter what anyone says, the ones that love me most are the ones that matter and that anyone who knows me knows I am beautiful inside and out. I cant tell you how lucky I am to have such an incredible man by my side in times when I loose my mind. So after being restless this morning I woke up to a cold gray morning and as heading to my grandmothers I heard the infamous words. As driving I heard a song that has always seen to get me thorough. Hallelujah by Kate Voegele. Just then as the words streamed over my radio and the gray cold sky cleared to a cool blue and the sun began to shine through. All I could do was just smile. In those moments where that song played a calm came over me and I finally felt like everything was going to be fine. I am struggling with so much these past few months from dealing with moving, my grandmothers diagnoses and surgery, weight and the fact that my great grandmothers are not around to be able to see me on my wedding day. I cant say that the struggles will go away because it wouldn't be life, but I can say that I know with time each struggle I face I will learn to deal with better and they will get easier.


Below I have put the link to the video for Hallelujah, and other songs that have seen to get me through my days.By posting them I am hoping that maybe they can do the same for someone else.

http://youtu.be/k29JxVCKBBM
--Kate Voegele; Hallelujah

http://youtu.be/BzE1mX4Px0I
--Selena Gomez: Who Says

http://youtu.be/ul-pLYo5MJ8
-- Glee; We are young

http://youtu.be/QOpuK5hYPAY
-- Matthew Morrison; Fix You

http://youtu.be/EeTPi2a2Ld4
-- Chris Brown and Big Sean; My last

http://youtu.be/-G_j3JqML5M
-- Martina McBride- A little bit stronger

until next time friends :)

& the race begins

 

Hello everyone,

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion due to one of my closest loved ones being diagnosed with one of the scariest words anyone can hear, cancer. My grandmother or my "Mimi" found a lump on her breast a few short weeks ago and thanks to a routine mammogram, she was able to detect everything early and yesterday, her lump was removed and she just has to follow with mild radiation and all is well. On the other hand as it stands, Christmas day Kyle and I have 60 days until we say I do and the pressure is truly starting to take its toll. It seems like no matter what we there is just not enough time or managed right to get on track. For those of you who don't know we recently moved into a new home and why the payments aren't the issue, with a newer and bigger home comes more of an upkeep (not that I am complaining because I LOVE our house) which is a change for us.  It just seems like there is so much to be done and not enough time to do even though we planned well in advanced but from what I am told from friends who have been married recently, that is normal. With everything going on lately, I feel as though I have been trying to upkeep my  body but nothing is working for me because stress has the opposite affect on me. While others tend to stress eat I tend to not eat and the toll it takes makes me disgusted more and more with my looks. At this point my biggest fear is that come our wedding day, I wont feel beautiful and I wont be the image that Kyle wants to see when I walk down the aisle. Silly to some yes (especially Kyle) but it is an insecurity I have been battling with since I said yes. My body flip flops and I go from being right on track and loosing to in two days gaining back. I have been tested for everything under the book and everything always comes back negative and all my vitals are normal.So the question is always in my mind, do genes really prevent me from being happy with my appearance. I constantly hear, your such a beautiful girl, I just wish for once I could believe it when I hear it. Poor Kyle has assured me that he loves everything about me and every inch of my body but this insecurity battle has been one I have struggled with since a young age and even though it has got better, there are days when I still find myself avoiding mirrors just so I don't have to face my reflection.  I will continue to fight however, and hope that in these next 2 in a half months I can be a little more comfortable in my own skin and prepare my body to get in the shape needed to be able to carry a child when the time comes. While battling my weight is one long worry and struggle the other is coping with the fact of being married. I am not scared of the commitment, saying I do or the day, I am just purely still in shock that someone loves me and I am going to spend the rest of my life with a man who has seen me through so much and truly made me whole. I wake up everyday and ask myself how I got so lucky. I am sure as the time draws closer I will become more and more anxious as well as nervous but I can say I am completely looking forward to spending the rest of my life with a man who has been my rock through it all and to continue to have the support of those around me as I make changes to cope with every day life.  Until next time friends.